Communicating our emotional needs to the world is essential. In order for them to take you into account, you will have to make it clear to the other what is convenient for you and what is not, what you need and what is not possible for you.
The ability to express feelings develops in childhood
Fortunately, at any age you can catch up. “If you scream silently for too long, you risk breaking your inner voice,” says psychologist Nadia Nozomi.
According to the expert, many of her clients, whether they are children, teenagers, elderly people, take pride in not fighting with their friends. However, in reality, they only swallow, accumulate and crush the resentment in themselves. Why are we afraid to immediately tell a loved one that we do not like something, that something has offended or upset us?
I do not express my feelings so as not to bother
Psychologist Nadia Nozomi sees several fears behind this. “I will say that something is wrong, and I will put the person in an awkward position. He will feel guilty, and I know the feeling of guilt too well from the inside, it is so “mine” and too unbearable to love another.
What is the same: I project everything on myself, go into unnecessary salvation and take responsibility for other people’s feelings. I do not give a person the right to face this and resist it himself.
I do not express what I feel because it could provoke the other
The second reason, according to the specialist, also lies in childhood traumas and communication with a special category of adults. “I have met very few healthy adults with non-toxic reactions to the display of discontent, resentment and anger.
Therefore, without knowing it, I hope that if I tell a person close to me that I do not like something about him or her, that he or she has offended or upset me, then he or she will start attacking in self-defense, and it will make me feel guilty. And, perhaps, he will even reject my approach.
How to get rid of these fears?
To address the first point, it is necessary to realize that we have no right to be responsible for other people’s emotions and we should not take responsibility for them.
If we don’t say what’s wrong in the moment, how else will our loved ones recognize our true selves? What hurts and what doesn’t? What is funny and what triggers? What can hurt and what are we calm about?
And with point two: if a person, in response to a non-aggressive message, begins to take offense in response or manipulate, then you must understand that he invites us to the game.
Because he doesn’t know how to do anything else. Because he perceives discontent as rejection and, out of habit, begins to attack. And here it is important to consider this and not get into the game, advises the psychologist.