We grow up, we become independent, we form our own families, but we remain children to our parents. What are the characteristics of the mother-daughter interaction after the child comes of age?
We tell what we carry from childhood to independent life and why relationships with their mothers are so important to adult daughters, both past and present.
The prejudices that prevent clarifying things
An unspoken position in our society: the relationship with the mother must be good, the mother must be loved, accepted and respected for what she is. And if you can’t, if you’re angry with your mother, if you at least feel that something hasn’t been right, then you’re a bad daughter.
And many daughters forbid themselves from feeling what they feel, block out negative emotions towards their mother. All of this is reinforced by remorse and guilt. Leaving the situation as it is means systematically self-destructing, and accepting that we have no right to express ourselves. This approach does not lead to a happy life.
The need to resolve conflicts
The only way out here is to resolve the situation with the mother, to reach the adult-adult level of relations. This cannot be done if psychologically there has been absolute pressure on the child’s position, if for some reason the separation has not been completed.
Also often there are mothers with a difficult character, their own characteristics in behavior, reactions, and it seems that it is impossible to find an approach to such a person, and the situation cannot be resolved. But the mother-daughter relationship has its own keys to family well-being.
How can you determine that there is no harmony in relations with your mother?
Check if any of these items fit the description of what is happening in your life.
- In communication, you often feel guilty, consider yourself a bad daughter.
- As a child, you were constantly compared to others, and not in your favor.
- Mom still overcontrols you, actively intervenes in your life.
- No matter what you do, mom will still complain that everything is wrong.
- With others, mom is always happy, but with you she is dissatisfied, on edge.
- Mom forces you to take an active part in her life – drop your business and run to her at the first request.
- In conversations, mom talks only about herself and her life.
- You depend on his mood, you have to choose words, think a hundred times before saying something, trying to predict the reactions.
- Mom never understood and did not share your interests, does not support you in your endeavors.
- You have to give up your plans and ideas, make decisions to your detriment, so as not to upset or offend your mother.
- You do not understand yourself, your true desires, you do not know where to go.
And there can be many variations of such descriptions. How many items on this list are about you?
The presence of the described manifestations in your life indicates that the separation is not complete and there is no harmony, love and understanding in the mother-daughter relationship.
Why does an adult daughter still resent her mother?
Even if your mother died or your grandmother raised you, the inner relationship with the mother figure does not disappear anywhere. In the depths of our thoughts we also dialogue or hide the situation in the unconscious if it is painful for us. But the problem does not go away.
This perception is inherent in childhood. When a child does not understand the situation, cannot cope with her feelings, does not have enough internal resources to painlessly survive what is happening, the psyche is forced to activate protection.
Resentment is a mechanism that isolates us from external events, allows us to hide from traumatic experiences.
Repressing emotions within oneself is a process that consumes a lot of energy. We can pretend that everything is fine, that the situation does not hurt us, but anger and irritation will boil inside, we want to cry, run away. The main thing is to be honest with yourself. The reactions suggest that something is wrong, the current situation causes tension, it is unpleasant. And here it is important to understand why?
How a difficult relationship with a mother affects the life of an adult daughter
He resentment towards the mother is one of the most difficult experiences. It contains both a connection with childhood, where the feelings of a small and defenseless child remain, and a feeling of guilt, because you cannot be offended by your mother.
1. Difficulties in couple relationships
The most striking manifestations here are that there are no relationships at all, or they do not develop the way we would like. The incomplete separation with the mother is transferred to the chosen life partner.
Disappointment in men, dissatisfaction with his behavior can also be clearly expressed here.
Contrary to popular belief, We do not always choose people of similar character to our parents as a partner.
Psychological transfer works differently: we choose people who give us familiar sensations.
By reaching adulthood, we have already formed a certain strategy of behavior in this world, there are learned reactions. And we choose what we know. We see a partner not as a separate and independent person, but as a reflection of what is happening inside of us.
Expectations also fall under projection and transfer: we unconsciously strive to achieve what we did not get in childhood: we demand love, care, we become a girl.
Or vice versa: we ourselves become parents to our partner: we treat him like a child, scold him because he earns little, litters, goes to bed late, does not follow his diet.
A person who has not passed the separation cannot build societies on equal terms.
Also, without separating, without seeing each other as people, we copy the behavior model of the family in which we grew up. We transfer our grievances, fears, expectations, and protection systems from our mother to our husband.
2. Relationship problems with your own children
Do you know the situation when you remember your childhood, some words and actions of your parents and mentally promise that you will never do this to your children? And then the peak comes, emotions overwhelm you, and it turns out that you swear just like your mother, use the same words, comparisons, expressions.
In addition, at this moment we understand the feelings and condition of the child, but we cannot stop. And this vicious circle will repeat itself over and over again until we cut our own umbilical cord, we will not go out into the big world as a self-sufficient adult person.
Psychological maturity does not depend on age: you can be an older grandma and still be an unseparated child: having childish reactions, expectations, a way of interacting with the world.
The fact that people got married, became parents, does not automatically make them adults. Only awareness of one’s own actions and serious inner study can do it.
3. Problems with self-actualization
There are two opposite sides here: one hundred percent concentration on a career, achievement or life project, and vice versa – a complete lack of self-realization.
In the first case, it does not matter whether this woman is married or not, whether she has children. It still depends on achievements, on success. If there are children, then an internal conflict overlaps: the mother feels guilty that she pays little attention to them, she wants to give the children only the best, fill the emptiness that, in fact, she herself experiences. But all the resources go into a race, and the experiences are left to corrode from the inside.
The other extreme, when a woman completely abandons the idea of self-realization, dedicates herself to taking care of the house, of the family, she is afraid to act, to make decisions. She constantly looks back on the opinion of relatives, friends.
She does not believe in herself and her strength, she tries to please everyone. But in the end, she feels like a squeezed lemon: complete devastation and no satisfaction with life.
How can a bad relationship with the mother be solved?
Many people think that problems in communication with parents are insoluble, our task is simply to accept them as they are. And when you can’t accept, you try to accept. But with this approach, you impose prohibitions and restrictions on yourself.
Only a psychologically adult person has access to inner lightness, to the freedom of feelings, without ties or internal fears. He is decisive, he can act, reach a result, enjoy the process. The main person in his life is himself. And this is what allows you to build equal relationships with everyone around you.