Why we are attracted to those who reject us

536 points
Why we are attracted to those who reject us

According to attachment theory, the choice of partner in adulthood is directly related to the emotional bond that the child creates with the reference person who cares for him since birth.

The quality of this emotional attachment will form the basis of a person’s subsequent relationships and their expectations of whether they are worthy of love and attention.

More specifically, a child’s caregiver occupies the primary place in his or her life and is responsible for meeting his or her basic emotional, psychological, and biological needs. However, there are many cases where parents are unable to fulfill this role in a meaningful way and this can have significant consequences on the child’s life.

Education and family environment is the main reason for this phenomenon

In particular, the caregiver may be emotionally unavailable and particularly anxious about raising the child. Thus, the child in his adult life is likely to be attracted to cold, inaccessible and emotionally unstable people, recycling the forms of his childhood that are familiar and known to him.

Precisely because you do not receive security from your family environment, it is very likely that you have a great need for the acceptance and confirmation of your peers. This need will push him to a perpetual search for his self-esteem down the wrong paths.

Through all this effort, you will search for the uniqueness that you never had in your life, in the wrong people and situations. When someone else rejects him, he will insist on it because in childhood he did not receive the love he deserved and there was no healthy connection in the family environment.

Subconsciously, you will constantly go to gain acceptance from your parents through your relationship with the most inappropriate people. The child, and later the adult, will always nurture in him the illusion that one day he will reap what has been deprived of him all these years.

Rejection motivates us to seek acceptance

In conclusion, it has been shown that when there is a history of rejection from the family environment, we automatically connect with people who are more likely to reject us as well, since it is a familiar situation for us and without realizing it we look for similar scenarios. Each time with the hope that we will reverse the result and feel that it is really worth loving!

According to another theory, when we experience rejection or a condition that we ourselves perceive as rejection, then we feel that our self-esteem is being questioned. Therefore, we must keep trying to get the confirmation we need to feel competent and accepted. Consequently, we insist on complaining, not accepting the behavior of rejection.

Also, when someone is unavailable and difficult to win over, their perceived value automatically increases and within us we appreciate them more. Thus, their indifference, combined with the low image we may have of ourselves, makes the object of our desire even more attractive.

Finally, in non-reciprocal relationships, idealization plays an important role, where the other is the perfect one for us and we pursue the ideal scenario, without really knowing the elements of their personality.

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536 points